Introduction

I want to weigh 200 pounds.

That is not a common aspiration, but when you stare down at the scale and see any number higher than that, it doesn't seem so bad. The last time I found myself poised in that familiar yet uncomfortable situation, the scale read 255.

I was actually relieved to see this number, considering that when I went to the doctor in December I was at 286. Being only 14 lbs away from 300 was terrifying, on top of my blood pressure being alarmingly high (despite medication) and knowing I was putting myself at a high risk for developing diabetes. I left the appointment feeling devastated and scared, and yet it didn't light the fire under my ass that it should have.

Like many people, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I have NEVER been skinny. I was a chubby baby and a fat kid with an abnormally large appetite. As I entered adolescence, some of the baby fat came off but I was still heavy. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. My mom took me to see an endocrinologist when I started showing signs of hirsuitism (excess hair growth in usual areas, in my case, it was on my chin and neck). I also had irregular periods, but that is not particularly unusual for a teenage girl. Still, it didn't take my doctor (who happened to be one of the most well-versed doctors on PCOS in the area) to diagnose me.

One of the most telling signs of the disease was in the areas of the body where I gained weight. Most of it was concentrated in my upper body - stomach, shoulders, neck and arms with virtually none in my hips, butt, thighs or calves. This is typically how men carry their weight as opposed to women. From what I understand, the overproduction of "male" hormones like testosterone and androgen in women with PCOS is what causes the "apple" (as opposed to pear) shaped body. Women with PCOS typically also have insulin resistance, which means the body overproduces insulin but can't use it properly. My doctor informed me that because of this, I would be at a higher risk of diabetes than most people who are just overweight.

Unfortunately, my health problems did not stop with PCOS. I struggled heavily from depression (both because of chemical and situational reasons), and I developed hyperthyroidism (overactive thyroid) when I was about 17. I started having heart palpatations, I was sweating excessively and I lost about 30 lbs. in two months without changing anything about my diet or amount of daily activity. I was also constantly exhausted and tired, and I ended up missing a lot of school during my senior year. The summer after my senior year, I had radioiodine treatment to essentially kill my thyroid gland. I was put on a thyroid supplement after my treatment, but it wasn't a high enough initial dosage, so I developed hypothyrodism, which is - you guessed it - UNDERACTIVE thyroid. Quicker than I lost the 30 lbs, it came back on and then some...

Despite eventually getting my thyroid levels regulated, the weight didn't just sluff off the way I hoped it would. I am almost 24 now, and for the past six years I have hovered around 260 lbs, which is about 30 lbs more than my highest weight as a teenager, and 60 more than my lowest. As you can imagine, I was at my lowest, at 200 lbs, during the height of my hyperthyroidism.

At the time, I really had no concept of the weight I had lost, nor could I really enjoy it because I was so sick and exhausted all of the time. Only now when I look back on pictures do I realize how AWESOME I looked at a weight most women would cringe at!

So, I am on a mission to get back down to my lowest "adult" weight - 200 lbs. I have already been successful at losing 31 lbs through an increased dosage of Metformin (a medicine given to women with PCOS and people with diabetes) and a serious cut back of fast food. When I get to 200l, I will decide if I want to try to lose more, but my goal isn't to be skinny. My goal to is to be comfortable with my body. I don't value the ideal of the stick-thin woman. I don't think it is attractive in other women, and I don't think it will be attractive in me, either. I think I have put forth a workable, realistic expectation for myself.

But aside from the shallow aspect, I am particularly concerned about developing diabetes, not only because I am at such a high risk for it, but because I have seen first hand how scary and damaging it can be. My husband Thomas (whom I've only been married to since October!) was recently diagnosed with it after developing an infection in his right foot which resulted in the amputation of his big toe. His healing and recovery has been difficult and tiring for both of us, let alone the daily management of his diabetes through checking his blood sugar and taking insulin. It is hard enough for one of us to live with this disease. There's no reason for both of us to if I can prevent it.

I hope this blog will be a way to keep myself in check, for others to see my progress and hopefully encourage me. I also hope that other women with PCOS or thyroid disease who are struggling with their health can find something helpful in this blog. So, please, feel free to comment on anything - be harsh if you want to. Call me out if you think I am full of BS. But random assholes who might come across this blog to make fat jokes will NOT be tolerated, or even acknowledged for that matter.

Let's all learn to be healthy together and love ourselves at any size.