I am a work in progress.

It has been nine months since my last update, and at that point I had only been updating sporadically, anyway. The main reason for that is that, for almost a year now, weight loss has not particularly been a priority. That's because I went through a separation and then eventually divorce, I graduated college with an associate degree, started a new relationship, moved into a new apartment... etc. Any of those things would be difficult to deal with alone, but compounded, it took a huge toll on me. I'm still recovering and readjusting to my new life, which is so drastically different from even a year ago.

Naturally, mental health affects physical health. I have lost and regained weight due to the great deal of stress I've been under, but now that things are settling and I'm in a better place, I'm focusing heavily on my health again. Of course, like most larger people, weight loss has *always* been on my mind. And a few times I would restart healthy habits, only to feel overwhelmed with everything else in my life that I just couldn't devote the necessary time and energy. But now, I am more motivated than ever and experiencing success.

At the end of August, I had blood work done and a check up at the doctor in which I received good and bad news. I had only gained five pounds since March, but I was still unhappy that I had gained anything at all. My cholesterol was excellent, as well as my TSH (thyroid-stimulating hormone). My blood pressure was actually low, and after monitoring it for a week the doctor reduced my Lisinopril dosage in half! I was absolutely thrilled. However, my Hemoglobin A1C was on the high side. Even though my doctor did not use these terms, it was in the pre-diabetic range (6.2 to be exact).

I was pretty downhearted to hear that, but not particularly shocked. So, since that appointment I've been making a sincere effort eat better. I've drastically cut my carbs and am sticking to leaner meats and eating more veggies. Since I'm no longer in school, I have a lot more time to cook and I actually *love* doing it. I am a huge fan of Asian food and now I live right next door to Yu-Yu Asian Market and so I have access to awesome food within walking distance. I have cut fast food out almost completely, though on occasion I will do the sit-down thing. I have significantly reduced my portion sizes and eat until satisfied instead of stuffed.

I don't force myself to eat things I don't like, which is a huge mistake I made in the past.There are plenty of good things I love to eat and I try to stick with that. I've noticed that in changing my eating habits, I've also changed my cravings. There are certain things that always sound good, like Chinese take out or pizza, but I don't feel deprived when I don't have them like I did before. Instead, I just try to think of something healthy that I like and replace my craving. Then once a week or so I'll eat something "bad" that I don't eat otherwise.

Right now, I'm at 226 lbs, which is 19 lbs lighter than at the doctor's office. It's also the smallest I've been in about nine years. I have tons more energy than I have in a long time. And even though sometimes I don't see the change, my clothes are hanging off of me and I get a lot of remarks about my weight loss, which is encouraging. It's awesome to think that I'm only 26 lbs away from goal. I may want to keep going when I get there, but as of this moment I am 61 lbs smaller than my heaviest weight. It's hard not to be happy when I think about that.

I still have the same attitude about weight loss that I always have. It's about health, not vanity, or insecurity, or anything else... though I'd be lying if I said I was immune to that. I will, of course, be happier with my appearance the more weight I continue to lose. But I'm still not doing this out of any desire to be thin, or be part of some misogynist, sizist concept of beauty because FUCK THAT. I have always been big and I'm sure that I will always carry some "extra" weight, and as long as I'm healthy, there's nothing wrong with that. I have to be happy with myself at every step of the way, as hard as that may be at times. The end result isn't always the reward; there is joy and discovery and gain in the process.

Let's do it!

Larval stage.

This picture sucks, but you can see that I have lost three pounds since the last time I updated.  I know I keep getting all super emotional whenever I see that I have lost weight, but I just can't help it.  I fucking cried with happiness when I saw this. 

I haven't weighed less than 240 lbs. in six years. 

I feel like, in so many ways, I am becoming a different person.  The weight loss, being single again, graduating in May.  Transitioning is hard, but today, I felt so happy about everything.  I have spent the entire day feeling... elated, like overwhelmingly optimistic.  I don't even know when I felt like that last.

I did realize today that I need a new reward for myself once I get to my goal weight.  Seeing as how Thomas and I are no longer together, I don't really think it's appropriate to go to Maui.  The big question is: what do I want to do for myself?  What does Lacy want?

Obviously, the biggest reward will just be reaching my goal, but I need to do something.  Maybe a tattoo?  That seems so trite, though.  I'm sure I'll think of something, but in the mean time, I'll take suggestions.

*Insert jaw drop here*

So, I randomly decided to get on the scale this morning and it said 241.  That's 18 lbs down so far.  Yes, it's only five lbs since the last time I updated here, but it's still hard for me to believe.  And even though it is only 18 lbs down from when I started blogging again, it is 46 from my heaviest (287).  

I have been eating better, just not as consistently as I need to be.  Mostly, I've just been eating much smaller portions.  It doesn't seem to take as much to feel full anymore.  For the first time I think in my entire life, I get full before I finish my meals when I go out to eat. 

Lots of people have asked me if I have lost weight, and my clothes are starting to get too big. 

These little victories keep me going...

Long overdue update.

I can't believe I haven't updated since October 27th... it doesn't seem like it has been that long ago. 

I haven't been neglecting the blog because I have given up, but just because I have been SO busy and SO stressed out.  And now there is a lot of stuff going on in my personal life that is making sticking to any kind of plan extremely difficult.  It doesn't help that I'm also pretty much broke at the moment.

BUT, I got on the scale this morning and I was at 246!  That means 13 lbs down overall, and without me particularly sticking to the "plan."  I've mostly just been trying to watch portions, and apparently, that works.

Big changes are coming in my life, and as soon as things begin to normalize, I WILL be giving this 100%.

Stuck?

I got on the scale yesterday and I'm, apparently, still at 252 lbs. after two weeks.  Granted, the week of our anniversary I was a little more indulgent than I had planned on being - but this past week I have been really, really good.  I have walked AT LEAST 12,000 steps every day (most days 14K+).  I don't understand.  Is my thyroid shit all out of whack again?  Is walking not enough exercise?  Is stress making me retain weight?  Am I eating too much?  Maybe it's pre-menstrual bloating (I should be starting any day now) or maybe I'm having digestion issues.  Maybe my scale's not accurate, but it has always seemed to be.

I don't know, but I'm frustrated.  I don't want to go back to obsessively counting calories and all of that.  I just don't have time, and if this starts becoming another stressful chore to add to the list I won't want to keep up with it.  Maybe I should start measuring my waist every week, too.  I can tell a big difference in the way my clothes fit - everything seems bigger and looser.  That made it all the more surprising when I stepped on the scale and I saw that nothing had changed.

I'm going to try not to get down about it.  Today our Student Government Association had a Fall Fest, where they gave away free food and candy and had a costume contest!  I dressed up as a bee, and I won!  I actually didn't cringe too much when I saw the pics on Facebook, either... so that's a good sign.  Tomorrow, Phi Theta Kappa (an honor society for two-year colleges that Thomas and I are members of) is having a bake sale, which we are volunteering for, and then we're going to a party on Saturday night. 

I am going to shake off my disappointment, have fun during one of my favorite holidays, while also making sensible choices.  And I'll just hope the scale is kinder to me next week...

Woohoo! :D

I stepped on the scale this morning...

252...

7 lbs. down! 

That's what I'm talking about.

Today starts fall break!  We don't get the full week off for some asinine reason, but I am glad for it, anyway.  I was already thrilled that I got to sleep in this morning, but I was even more thrilled when I got on the scale and I saw... 256 lbs.!  I lost three lbs. this week!  Yeaaaaah!

I ate more things that I wanted to eat this week, but I tried to do it in moderation and in a healthier way than I normally would.  I even got to eat pizza! 

Thomas had this great idea to make pizza out of these:

The picture is kind of small, but it's Thomas brand (how appropriate!) Everything Flavor Bagel Thins.  He sauteed some green peppers, red onions, and portobello mushrooms, then toasted the bagels in the toaster.  He seperated the bagels then painted the insides with some tomato sauce, then put on the sauteed veggies, some turkey pepperoni and mozzarella cheese and broiled them in the oven for a few minutes.  They were DELICIOUS!

If you were to use a full serving of tomato sauce, turkey pepperoni and cheese then it's 330 calories, 11.5 grams of fat and 38 grams of carbs.  And that's for two little pizzas.  It was surprisingly filling, but when I have them again I'll probably have salad, as well.